I was leaving work heading out to buy my son a laptop for Christmas. Loneliness washed over me like summer rain. I was sad and it took me a minute to realize why. I had a good day at work. Shit, I’ve got a job, a true blessing to say the least. I’m able to support myself and my son. I’m spending Christmas with my fam. I’m losing weight. I’m writing good shit.
What the hell is up?????
I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was driving on 95 heading south to my comfy bed and I was crying like a little girl, snot and everything.
I’ve been single for over a year, happily single, might I add. I’ve been figuring out my life, getting to know Julie, having one hell of a time, and then I started dating. #whythefuckdidIdothat?????
I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. I’m not strong enough in myself to date a man. I realized it and stopped. I want to be the woman I dreamed about when I was knee high to a grasshopper. I want to love myself with reckless abandon. I am well on my way to being my best me so again…
Why the hell am I sobbing on 95? Where the hell is this loneliness coming from? Please God, Oh God, take this pain away. (He did, by the way, the tears and the pain was gone by the time I reached my exit, and I settled into a quiet place of reflection.)
I was married twice. The first was really bad. I was abused, neglected and betrayed. The second was really good. I found out that love could be sweet, I began to grow up, but we grew apart. I left my second marriage with a pain heavy enough to sink a battleship. He was a sweet man, but he stopped loving me, and I couldn’t stay in a marriage without love.
So what the hell is up?
I think it is growing pains and not so much loneliness. There was a time in my life that I only recognized romantic love. If I didn’t have romance, well I didn’t have a damn thing. Now I can appreciate love in its many forms, and I am truly happy about that! (my son refused to let me wrap his laptop up. His smile was priceless!)
I think the tears were for the woman I was, and the uncertainty (however small) to the woman I am becoming, because they are so vastly different.
I’ve decided to make some more changes. I am a work in progress. I get that now. I am blessed beyond measure. I get that as well.
And, sometimes, out of nowhere, I cry on I95.
Until next time